you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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