i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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