My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish you could order shots online.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
