Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
