he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
