im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
