apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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