I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
