I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
