It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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