The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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