every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You are a genius and a whore.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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