the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
