we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
