i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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