I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i came on her dog
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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