The maid of honor just puked.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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