So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
