genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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