Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
