i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
