I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
