I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
