im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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