I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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