I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
