this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
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My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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