why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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