I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
