Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
