I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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