The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
