How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it was like eating out sand paper
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
