the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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