You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
false alarm. still invincible.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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