My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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