If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
