"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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