Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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