"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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