R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
