Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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