WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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