i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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