someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
