just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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