i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
