I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
