I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
