6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
