I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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