Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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