i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
two words: eviction party
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So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
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he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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