Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
