i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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