Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
