Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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