I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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